---
title: "There's an epidemic of car break-ins in San Francisco.  If you have a…"
date: 2016-09-30
source: facebook
type: Archer T. Ships updated his status.
---

# There's an epidemic of car break-ins in San Francisco.  If you have a…

*September 30, 2016 · Facebook*

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There\'s an epidemic of car break-ins in San Francisco. If you have a car there, unless you garage it (\$300/month), you can expect that a window will be broken out and anything of value will be stolen at least once or twice a year.\
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For example, my friend Ben Yu\'s convertible roof was slashed two weeks, a \$2200 repair. Last night, someone did it again.\
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Ben says, \"Last time I asked how to prevent this from happening, there were unfortunately no good answers.\"\
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I\'m not sure any of these are \"good\" answers, but perhaps they\'ll inspire someone to come up with a good answer for Ben.\
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\* Place a mannekin dressed to look like a homeless bum in the back.\
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\* Severed heads in a jar:\
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[http://www.instructables.com/id/head-in-a-jar-prank/](http://www.instructables.com/id/head-in-a-jar-prank/){target="_blank"}\
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\* Bloody handprint vinyl stickers on the interior window.\
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\* Electrified mesh in the roof, so when they stab it, they get a shock and it takes their picture. Like this Trump sign:\
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[http://fox13now.com/2016/09/29/electrified-trump-sign-shocks-would-be-thief/](http://fox13now.com/2016/09/29/electrified-trump-sign-shocks-would-be-thief/){target="_blank"}\
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\* Use the picture to hire Russian mobsters to break their legs.\
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\* Rent it out on Craigslist to someone who will keep it clean and safe from other homeless people. Or hire another nearby vandweller to be a security guard.\
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\* Rig it up so that when someone breaks in, the car fills with expanding polyurethane foam.\
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\* Hire a movie FX expert to make you a couple of realistic severed baby heads. Hang them from your rear view mirror like fuzzy dice.\
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\* Scatter dirty hypodermic needles on the seat cushions.\
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\* Rig up car so that it releases a cloud of methyl mercaptan whenever someone gets near.\
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\* Hire child actor to pretend to be sexually assaulted and murdered, and play it whenever someone touches the car.\
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\* Record Jewish, Catholic, and Chinese mom\'s whispering their most manipulative, guilt inducing questions, and play them whenever someone touches the car.\
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\* Buy a vinyl wrap to protect the paint job, then scrawl violent, apocalyptic schizophrenic ramblings on every square inch of the car in sharpie. Think Dr. Bronner\'s meets Jeffrey Dahmer.\
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\* Get a vinyl wrap that advertises a corpse removal and cleanup service, spider extermination, or radiation testing.\
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\* Record Crossfitters, vegans, and libertarians expounding on their views at a party, and play the recordings whenever someone approaches the car.\
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\* Turn it into a convertible from the Road Warrior: Fury Road.\
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\* Spiky mat of needles affixed to the car seats. Like those pigeon discouragers you sometimes see on rooftops and awnings.\
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\* Hire an FX expert to make it it look like fake poop is smeared all over your roof and door handles.\
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\* Record the sounds of a cop radio for 24 hours. Play it on continuous loop in your car.\
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\* Pay a tattoo artist to put beautiful tattoos on pigs. Then have the pigs slaughtered and their skin made into a leather rooftop. It will look like your convertible top was made of human skin.\
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\* Hire a taxidermist to make obscene bobble-heads from roadkill.\
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\* Hire a cop to watch your car for a month and beat the shit out of anyone who touches it.\
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\* Rig up a bottle of fermented cat urine to spray whenever anyone comes too close to your car.\
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\* Fentanyl laced bottle of cheap vodka on the front seat. Of course, you\'ll have to deal with a corpse the next day, but it will look like a heroin overdose, and you won\'t have to worry about break-ins by that person again.\
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\* Salvinorin B methoxymethyl ether laced vodka. It\'s 10x more potent than Salvinorin A, and lasts 2-3 hours. It\'s also legal in California. Probably won\'t kill ya, but someone who experiences a 2-3 hour salvia trip in your car is not likely to try to get in again.\
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[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvinorin_B_methoxymethyl_ether](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvinorin_B_methoxymethyl_ether){target="_blank"}
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