"Morphine. The question weighed upon me. Too much would kill him, not enough was worse. He was dying, but I didn't want to kill him. It's a primal thing, that decision. You want to do something. The desire is very powerful. You have to resist yourself: doing nothing is a greater form of discipline.
But that next step—pushing him over, and being done with it—is an even harder act. It requires a particular kind of courage. You can't be wrong. You can have no doubt. I was working, and there were many other patients to see. I spent only a few minutes on him. There were new hands to shake, tests to order. There were residents, and students, and EKG's to read. There were notes to type and questions to answer, and ambulances coming, and people walking by, and through it all the cellphone on my hip kept ringing.
I wanted to turn away, and I did. But I felt his presence as the hours passed. I knew he was behind the curtain in the corner, crying and pleading. His begging was general, like that offered to a torturer, as the nurse sat with him, and held his hand.
So I compromised. I gave him almost enough."
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/5g9k88/when-theres-nothing-more-your-doctor-can-do?utm_campaign=sharebutton
But that next step—pushing him over, and being done with it—is an even harder act. It requires a particular kind of courage. You can't be wrong. You can have no doubt. I was working, and there were many other patients to see. I spent only a few minutes on him. There were new hands to shake, tests to order. There were residents, and students, and EKG's to read. There were notes to type and questions to answer, and ambulances coming, and people walking by, and through it all the cellphone on my hip kept ringing.
I wanted to turn away, and I did. But I felt his presence as the hours passed. I knew he was behind the curtain in the corner, crying and pleading. His begging was general, like that offered to a torturer, as the nurse sat with him, and held his hand.
So I compromised. I gave him almost enough."
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/5g9k88/when-theres-nothing-more-your-doctor-can-do?utm_campaign=sharebutton